So it turns out, I do miss N.
I woke up this morning at 5:20 a.m. for morning yoga because S. was teaching.
Also, at a Super Bowl gathering last night, S.’s husband J. and I bet that if one of us didn’t go to the 6 a.m. class, that person had to streak the complex we’re staying at in Silverthorne, Colo., later this week. We shook on it.
I stupidly didn’t go to bed till 12:30 a.m. The only reason I got up was because of the bet.
When I walked into the Adams Morgan studio S. smiled and said, “J. was hoping you wouldn’t show.” With sleep-filled eyes, J. and I laughed when we saw each other.
As S. lead the class, I found myself struggling with the N. decision with a series of irrational thoughts and counter thoughts.
- Was it because I don’t really like animated films and he does? (I saw the animated film “Persepolis” about the Iranian revolution on Friday and loved it. Although I’m not partial to films like this I’m open to it, and um, really why should this matter.)
- Was it because I put pressure on the situation knowing full well that he was fearful of a relationship? (I didn’t put any pressure on it whatsoever, in fact, I was conscious to be very chill to allow it to grow or not, whatever the case may be. And besides, I deserve a relationship if I want one, and I was hesitant myself.)
- Was it because I didn’t let him know how much I like him? (I’m pretty sure I got that point across.)
As each thought came in, I worked on listening to it and recognizing my feelings as my body woke up. It helped hearing my best friend lead the class and talk about accepting and nurturing yourself.
Then at the end of class she read a quote after we laid in our corpse pose:
“May you experience great encouragement as new frontiers beckon.”
After class, I sat on my mat for a moment while everyone was rolling up their mats. I yawned with half-closed eyes. S. noticed and laughed and came over and kissed me on the cheek. “You’re so cute,” she said. J. said, “The next time I see you will probably be in Colorado.”
I went outside as the sun was rising and I stopped in Tryst to get a latte. I walked out onto the empty streets and stopped on the curb to tie my shoelace. I happened to look behind me over my shoulder, and there was the most vibrant rainbow stretching across the sky with a flock of about 40 white birds flying toward it.