N. and I decided to be friends today.
Weird. Mostly weird because we spent all of our free time together from Thursday – Saturday afternoon and it was fun. We had the conversation in the car when he dropped me off at 3 p.m. after brunch. Kind of out of the blue. Not totally out of the blue, but kinda.
But this time it’s a manageable weird instead of a “I’m really torn up weird.” I feel oddly relieved because I started feeling anxious about it this week for various reasons, not something I want to be in the early stages of a relationship. I’ve known him for a month and a half. We nipped it in the bud before either of us got hurt. It helped me a bit with communication (I respect him and his communication skills). And while I’ve been trying to stay open to dating, it’s hard when you’re spending a lot of time with a person.
It’s hard to date as you get older, especially when you really like someone. I really like N. But there is a difference between really liking and knowing that it can lead to love. And I think when you’re older you know sooner what’s going somewhere and what’s not. I can’t say I knew for sure either way, but I wondered (especially what he was thinking) and the anxiety was a trigger because it should be comfortable, easy and fun.
I choose not to analyze and let it go (at least that’s what I say now, though I anticipate missing him). It’s healthier. It was fun, he’s a great person, and maybe, just maybe, I got a friend out of the deal.